TAELER.22 We are all alone and the worst part is we recognize it. I believe that to be the fundamental dilemma of the human condition. It’s a malady that courses through the collective ether of our consciousness; a paradox we can never reconcile. I tried in the pursuit of love. I think at some point everyone learns that even this cannot quell the echoing silence in the moments before sleep. I tried so hard. I did everything right. I became the person I always should have been. The person I always wanted to be. Someone thin and healthy and social and successful and in love. Self-improvement is a farce. It’s an attempt to prime yourself for the personality market. It’s advertisement. All roads turn to catwalks and every person to self-checkout aisles. I treated myself as a product to be consumed: medicine for your mildew, priced at the appeasement of mine. It was foolish to believe that could have been sustainable. Product doesn’t last. We consume and discard. The only way to beat the game is to rise above it. Learn to be alone. Celebrate it. True freedom is to be liberated from your barcode.

User000891 What if you gave it for free?

User432800 What?

User078113 Well, it’s not a product if it’s free, right?

User340098 That wouldn’t work, then everyone will just be able to have your love.

TAELER.22 I’m finally reading again. I’ve always been a reader but I’ve not been able to pick up a book in almost a year. I want to get back into writing poetry but my brain needs to retrain its muscles. Things are starting to look up a little bit though. My legs still feel weak. The bed has a gravitational pull so strong that empty bottles orbit around it; I lie on unwashed sheets with enough blood stains to make the set of a horror movie look tasteful—but, against all odds, I’ve opened the blinds a little bit. There’s more sunlight in my room. I’ve been working out. Mostly dancing but I’m also up to five push-ups. I’m losing weight and I’m starting to feel good about how I look. So much so that I downloaded a dating app this morning. I’m learning to take the little victories whenever I can. I’m starting to see poetry in the trees again. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time.

97% Who wants to bet on how long this lasts?

StayGold79 Keep fighting.

Sophie53 Keep dancing.

TAELER.22 Last night, I hit rock bottom. I’m posting this as a reminder to myself: this is who I’ve been, or rather, this is who I am. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before, but from what I’ve seen, I think the thing I’ve been most jealous of is to have a reason to be good to at least one person. To be heroic in the eyes of someone in awe because you decided to do the dishes even though it was their turn. Honestly, I can be pretty hateful. I look around this app and I constantly judge the lives of others; I see people in relationships and oftentimes I just don’t understand why anyone would want to be with someone who doesn’t know the difference between lay and lie. But I guess that’s what love is. It’s someone who sees you for something you’re not. Someone who can look at you and think wow that person is really smart and joyous and pretty and to have them think that even when you’re struggling to open the childproof cap for your anti-depressants while wearing socks and crocs in the morning. Someone who would rather rewrite the rules of lay and lie than see you for what you are. I want that. I want someone to look at me like that and I want to live up to that fantasy person. It has to be better than being this person.

NGC94 Good luck on finding someone! It can make all the difference :>

dozenal12 I recommend getting into gardening.

MsFridayThe13th You’re a great person, don’t tell yourself all those things! You’re very pretty, actually, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Get out there and get what you deserve (>‿◠)✌

intermediate24 Hey, cutie. Click the link in my bio if you’re looking for a good time (´ิ ❥ ´ิ♡)

TAELER.22 It’s been months since the funeral. Most of my friends have managed to carry on with their lives and I am still me. I’ve been thinking of ending things too. Life just kind of moves on. The sky changes shape and the universe expands—I keep asking it to slow down and sit beside me for a moment but I’ve never gotten a response. I don’t know what to do. My friends are beginning to hate being around me. I can tell. They would all take bullets for me but none of them want to have coffee with me. I exhale toxins. I don’t blame them. Nobody wants to be around a walking corpse. I watch myself from the outside and I wonder why I still bother. Secondhand smoke leaks from my sweat glands. I feel horrible. I hate myself but I want someone. I’m scared and alone and I need someone. I want to know what it’s like to be loved. What it’s like to have a reason to wake up tomorrow. If only he had that; maybe he’d still be here. If we could have given him that. If I could have told him. I’m sick of feeling worthless.

5senses I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to be around. I’ve been dealing with a few things. I promise you that I can be available for you soon. Just hang in there for now. And please, be kinder to yourself. Love you, okay?

brisingamen19 Grow up. You know we’re still your friends.

Hundred-Blessings Stay free.