Last night, I hit rock bottom. I’m posting this as a reminder to myself: this is who I’ve been, or rather, this is who I am. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before, but from what I’ve seen, I think the thing I’ve been most jealous of is to have a reason to be good to at least one person. To be heroic in the eyes of someone in awe because you decided to do the dishes even though it was their turn. Honestly, I can be pretty hateful. I look around this app and I constantly judge the lives of others; I see people in relationships and oftentimes I just don’t understand why anyone would want to be with someone who doesn’t know the difference between lay and lie. But I guess that’s what love is. It’s someone who sees you for something you’re not. Someone who can look at you and think wow that person is really smart and joyous and pretty and to have them think that even when you’re struggling to open the childproof cap for your anti-depressants while wearing socks and crocs in the morning. Someone who would rather rewrite the rules of lay and lie than see you for what you are. I want that. I want someone to look at me like that and I want to live up to that fantasy person. It has to be better than being this person.
9 months ago